Climbing up from Rock Bottom

My life is at the point where I can be the only one to change myself. I am scared, anxious, nervous. I have never been so unsure of myself and afraid to push myself to where I need to be in life. I am going to stop smoking, once and for all-I feel like I’m losing something I’ve relied on for 20 years that has always been here with me, a sadness almost-oxymoron to say the least.  I’d rather lose the cigarettes than my life to my own stupidity.

At the same time I will be putting in motion a routine for myself. Every second of everyday will be scheduled, because I am such an erratic, manic Bipolar I can’t seem to be consistent without ANY type of instructions. Like a little kid. Time to grow up after 36 years. Time to live. I will be taking part in a vigorous exercise incorporated into my daily routine. I am tired of feeling like crap about myself. I know I’m not 16 anymore but that doesn’t mean I have to look all frumpy and bummed out. I know I can do this, I’m just scared. I want this and I want this more than anything I’ve ever wanted, for myself and my family.

Love, Life, Laugh

The Battle Within

  She walked out into the world, heart pounding, blood racing, body tremors. Her world spinning into a downward spiral. Her eyes flickered in every direction, the anxiety  building up in her body like an electrical storm. It would be a matter of minutes, maybe even seconds before she would start running away, away from the world, from herself.  Heat rising to her face, released into streams of hot, salty droplets from her grief stricken eyes. Deep inside she wants other s to understand, to be aware of how she feels on a daily basis, not knowing what emotion will boil up unwanted, untimed. She sees the world in colors so bright they blind her, some days, the colors swirl and rain down into the earth, where she wants to rest, peacefully, quietly.  She wishes she could tell those who don’t know,who stare awkwardly at her actions, her emotions showing. To say, “I don’t want you to live my life, or get into my head, because you’ll never find a way. I just want you to be aware, to know I fight a battle, a war against myself. I fight until I hit a high, armed and dangerous, ready to take aim, then, the backfire. Some days, the battle is over as soon as I wake up, and I wish I could sleep forever. Most days I wish this battle as easier. ” But it’s not. The name of this war is Mental Illness and this war has many fighters, so many. We know we are not alone, we know there is support. We also know we can’t expect everyone to understand, to tell everyone we meet that we have an illness that seperates us into a category, which unfortunately leads to a “stigma”. We are NOT crazy, we fight. We fail. We get up and do the same mistakes over and over again, yet we still get up. Some days, we lay still, afraid to even look in the mirror, to look beyond the stress marks or messy hair. Other days, we stay inside and write. Sometimes, at night, the battle begins, and we lay quiet on our pillows, unloved, alone, crying. And in each tear, a hurtful thought, a bad memory is shed, they grow, we suffer ourselves to sleep with thoughts more horrific than the monsters that used to live under our beds as children. Now, these monsters are in our heads. And once again, the battle begins. AND ONCE AGAIN, WE GET BACK UP AND FIGHT.

Myself, the human volcano

I am sooo pissed off and hot and ready to yell and scream and beat the shit out of someone. I’d rather jump off a cliff and feel the pain of my bones as my body bounces off every single jutting rock on the way down than feel this anger and hurt the way I do right now. I am broken and abused, used, wore out, old, dumb, never learning, never loving, never caring. Always fake, always late, always sick in  my head, always wanting to be asleep in my bed. I wish I could die and never have and never have to worry again, just throw my body into the ocean for the sharks to consume, for here with humans is far more painful.

I will never be well, always living in hell, always knowing I was born a failure and will always be one. Why am I still here? I don’t want to.

Check Please! I’m ready to go!

Over Thinking?

Yesterday I was standing by the lake in front of the apartments where I live and as usual, two soft shell turtles surfaced near the bank, sticking their snouts up and blinking their eyes, waiting for me to throw some Cheerios to them, which I usually do. Not that day though, no food, but they still waited, blinking up at me in patience.  I got to thinking how the people who love us wait for our affection and attention, to be nurtured and felt loved, that we take our loved ones for granted, letting each day pass by playing on our electronics, zoning out to the TV or drowning in our self pity.

I am done feeling like I neglect my role as a parent and a wife. I do make time for myself, but I am motivated to shut down the gadgets and gizmos I grew up without, my childhood was awesome and such a learning experience without all the bling and unnecessary dramas of social media.

I love my family too much to let anymore time slip by.

Inconsistency

I admit to being completely inconsistent in everything I do. Blogging, cleaning, reading, exercising-you name it. I feel extreme guilt when I let myself and family down. I feel like I will never be more than a fish swimming in a round bowl, only to belly up sooner than expected, with a blank stare on my face.  The last week has been a horrendous battle with myself, my emotions. My true, ugly self has reared once again. Bipolar depression is a bitch and I become a very nasty one.  It doesn’t help when my kids yell and scream at me and each other, when my other half blames me for not sleeping well through the night. Because everyone knows I’m the one to blame for all the shit that happens when I’m around, because it’s convenient and everyone else is perfect. Except for me.

Even the whole babysitting thing isn’t working out anymore, at least not for me. I have no patience for a baby with no discipline from her mother. Screaming and throwing a tantrum when I say no. I am soo overwhelmed. I try to be positive, but it’s just not working out for me either.

I apologize for such a negative blog, I’m out for now.

HELLACIOUS!!

I begin this blog feeling extremely exhausted, wore out, shaken, nerve wracked and ready to scream. Complaining? Yes. Venting? Perhaps. There’s nothing like spending all day with a teething angel who’s ears hurt. Ears I say? Yes, both. I felt bad for her, wishing I could do something, but to no avail. She seemed content with screaming, yelling, crying, smacking and laughing at things that were NOT funny.  I tried my best to handle her, play with her, comfort her, but she would have none of it. She will be with me again tomorrow, I’m thinking a day at the playground is in order, perhaps she will be happier and so will I. Thank you for letting me get the stress off my shoulders.

Though I am tired, I stay devoted to blogging, which helps me with my communication skills and hopefully come across interesting people. I try and stay devoted to being a homemaker as well. I cooked a great meal of Little Caesars-2 large pepperoni pizzas, cheesy bread sticks and a 2 liter of Pepsi. It was nice not having to prepare so much!

With kids showered and ready for tomorrow, which comes too damn early and hubby having his play time on his new phone, I sit comfortably in my captain’s chair with coffee awaiting me on my left and my 15 yr. old white tabby, Dragon, waiting to be massaged on my right. I suppose being as old as she is, she deserves as much as love as possible, as do humans. The older I become, the more important love and attention is amongst family, especially children and spouses-they are our life, our now and future. We have them only once, and should cherish them everyday.

Love, Light and Blessings to all.

I deserve hot chocolate!

Manic Monday-wish it had been a Sunday. But wishing only goes so far..so I deal with what uncontrollable unpleasantries  I come my way. Reluctantly I tread on through the day like walking through some muck and sewage, because today did kinda stink and I felt stuck. I managed to pull myself out of my bad mood and after snapping and almost crying, realized I am the one in control of me, no one else, and it’s not fair to take it out on my family, who had NOTHING to do with my Monday.

The evening arrived ever so slowly, like a slug trying to slime it’s way across a desert, however; it did get here. Along with a very exhausted baby who is also teething-molars-aahhh!  The hitting, screaming, fake crying, fighting sleep-oh what fun! We both lived through a bath and a warm sippy cup of milk. She then proceeded to change into a rosy cheek, full belly, sleeping angel baby. I was ready to pass out also.

Though today I steered way off course and almost crashed. Thankful, once again for my family who became my beacons and helped me through the remainder, so that I may not lose my sanity.

I now sit, slowly de-stressing and enjoying a homemade cup of Starbucks hot chocolate, made with what else but hot milk.

A Beginning to a New Week

Today has been a very lazy, non productive day. I feel as if I should have stayed busy instead of succumbing to the call of my very comfortable bed and sleeping for a while. I did manage to go for a walk with my thirteen year old daughter and we spoke about life and school. I survived the 80 degree Florida winter weather, along with a bite of humidity. After our stroll and a cooling drink of ice water, I started making dinner. Chicken and rice with a side of beef and cheese taquitos. More like a mini smorgasbord, until I can go shopping on Tuesday. But one day at a time!

As I sit her writing my blog of the day and enjoying my coffee, I look forward to a nice shower and some excellent time with my book before bed. I also look forward to being busy in the week to come, though I will miss going for walks with my girls and building a stronger bond with them. For now I will finish watching The Big Bang Theory with them and having a few laughs before they go back to school.

Life is good.

A fulfilling, blessed, thankful day!!

Though the day has not come to end quite yet, I find myself a bit wore out, as I’m sure most people do around 9 p.m. My days are usually busy with babysitting a 14 month old baby girl-who is cute beyond words and smarter than she should be!! Perhaps it is the time lapse between my youngest, who is 13 and in full teenager mode. What ever the case may be, this little child tends to drain as much energy from me as possible in a short amount of time. I do not mind, for I am blessed with a supportive family who loves playing with her and receiving hugs and kisses whenever possible! How much do learn from children, love and patience, more with my two teenage girls than with a baby, though a baby as those who have children know it literally takes a village to raise. In my case, I need a circus, a playground, endless cardboard boxes and anything else she is not supposed climb on or get into. I love it though. I love my girls and my husband, they are very good with her.

My older daughter (15) and I spent the day walking and pushing a stroller around and talking about life. The playground was fun and putting the little one on the skateboard and holding her hands was funny! She thought it was as well, with her big toothy smile. Back home and it was dinner, which my oldest cooked and we shared with, the baby who I will call her “pop tart”. Sweet and Spicy Chicken Teryaki served with rice-yummo!

After a fulfilling dinner and some playing with pop tart, the hour of crying and fighting sleep arrived. My 13 yr. old and I gave her a quick bath. With her smelling good and having had her nightly warm milk, she left for the night, until I have her again.

I end this blog with a thankful heart and soul for my loving family who helps me as much as they can everyday in every way! Blessed Be!

No Resolutions, no limits.

As I begin 2015, I reflect on how much of a negative impact I’ve been on my family and friends. I am diagnosed with many mental illnesses, but no need for excuses, just soul searching and finding a new path, to “take the road less traveled” so I may experience many new and fulfilling adventures. Life is so precious and I have come to the realization that I take it for granted. I have lost three very special people to me in the last 2 years. And I recently reflected on exactly how much time has gone by, slipped through my fingers, like fine grain sand that blows away in the wind.  If I don’t stop to care for those I love so dearly, I may not forgive myself, ever, and I do not wish to live the rest of my life miserable.

As to my title, I do not make resolutions for New Years anymore. Yes, I can quit smoking and work out more, be active, partake in my frivolities and soothing, relaxing moments, which I fully intend to do. But the bigger picture is made up of smaller ones, ones that mean a lot to those who are in my life-and each of the pictures (moments or changes) will lead me to my goals. I will be smoke free this year and I will be healthy, because I want to be, not because of some tradition to make resolutions. I am alive and will live each day to the fullest, no matter what comes my way.

What is life without a few roller coaster moments?